tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
