He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize