kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
