Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
