i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
