I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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