my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
