Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
