Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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