He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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