It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
