i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
