i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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