U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
