I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
