i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
