i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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