My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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