Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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