I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
