I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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