apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
