Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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