i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
