I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
