when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize