I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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