Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
