I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
