I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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