I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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