the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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