Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize