i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
