i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
