I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
