in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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