your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize