Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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