I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
