his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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