no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
