Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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