Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
