He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
