Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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