How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
