I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
