i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize