Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
