i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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