This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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