I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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