well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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