people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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