I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
