I think my vagina is haunted
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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