you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
