What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
