I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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